It’s week one on Strictly Come Dancing! This might be confusing because the show started last week, but that was the launch show, and this is the show proper.
However, you won’t be able to vote this week: that’s next week, so that will technically be the first proper week, but don’t think about it too hard. With the sheer amount of dances, this is one long show, clocking in at two and a half hours long.
Two and a half hours of Strictly? Strap in…
So let’s get cracking, shall we? We open on how the celebs usually start their days. For some, like Nitro from Gladiators, it’s by training at the gym, for Alex Kingston it’s with a lovely cuppa, Ross King it’s presenting the Hollywood gossip and Tom Skinner it’s having a huge fry up whilst wearing a flat cap, like the proper working class geezer he is, apparently. We get the usual “there’s no turning back”, “the pressure is on” slow walking montage and then it’s straight into the titles.
This is the first time we get to see the titles, and it’s usually a very slight indication of dance abilities. Who’s doing the full twist leg up, and who’s doing the dad moves? Well, Vicky Pattinson and Kai gave us the first one, swiftly followed by Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Lauren giving us the second one. The titles also featured Tom Skinner doing the terrible dancer high five and thumbs up with Amy, Stefan, and Dianne doing kangaroo jumps, Ross King looking surprised he caught Jowita doing a dip, and Dani Dyer, even though she was replaced by Amber Davies.
The opener this week featured the judges through the decades to remind us they also have dance experience before they start ripping into the couples. In the 70s, Anton does a lovely waltz so as to not remind everyone he’s shocking at Latin, whilst Aljaz is wearing an excellent tache and Kai’s got some great sideburns. Shirley does a very fast-paced Latin number in the 80s, and Motsi does a rumba in the 90s, and that’s why it’s confusing that Craig, dressed as Pat Sharpe, declares it’s the 00s. It’s all very glittery and lovely anyway, with only a few instances of these very seasoned professionals bashing into each other.
Tess and Claudia reminded us as it’s week one, nobody goes home, so in theory this two-hour extravaganza is a massive waste of time, but hey, at least it’s a fun one. They bring out the couples and everyone has a lovely little bop about, except Thomas Skinner, who looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up – you and me both mate (you, not me).
Onto the Strictly dances!
Chris and Nadiya dancing the samba
Chis took Nadiya to a rugby field and declared she’s as good at rugby as he is at dancing. Typically, these first couple of weeks, we get dances loosely themed around who the celeb is or their job, so Chris starts his dance throwing a rugby ball, cos that’s his whole personality. It’s as disastrous as you’d expect from a big rugby player, but a highlight is the sheer number of times he doesn’t react to being whipped in the face by Nadiya’s hair. Tess said he looks “right at home on the dancefloor” which is a blatant lie. TBH, he’s very boring. They scored 14.
At this point in my notes I wrote “STOP BOOING LOW SCORES IT’S WEEK 1” because the audience annoyed me.
Claudia announced that voting will only be online, meaning many who can’t do online stuff will be locked out of voting. Which sounds really unfair, but really, how many old people actually vote?
Alex Kingston and Johannes dancing the Viennese Waltz
Alex brought her dog to the training, which is a massive plus for me. She’s also danced to Cry Me a River, which prompted hundreds of Doctor Who fans to go RIVER, like it was a really hard-to-decipher thing.
It was an early first outing for a Strictly fan favourite for the tango lamppost, and the dance itself is full of drama. Craig called it lumpy, but Motsi pointed out how sexy it was, so I’m more inclined to agree with her. Alex shared with Claudia that she gets told off for looking like she’s sitting on the loo, which is where most of the conversation went. They scored 21.
Harry (Nitro) and Karen dancing the cha cha cha
Karen said she is looking forward to being lifted and pointed out how muscley he is, which we all already noticed, believe me babe.
For their Strictly routine, they were apparently at a gym, but we only knew this because of all the boxes which said ‘Gym’. There’s an incredible section when he did push-ups whilst Karen is standing on him, which I have nothing clean to say about. To top it all off, he talked about men’s mental health to Tess, and Jesus Christ, what a man. Craig criticised the push-ups, but he was the only one against it apparently. Motsi told him to clean it up, which is the opposite of my advice. Apparently, there were some mistakes, but I wasn’t paying enough attention tbh. They scored 19.
Stefan and Dianne dancing the foxtrot
This is the first episode since it was announced that Dianne was pregnant, so he brought her a balloon. There’s been a lot of weird parasocialness from the fans about her baby, so this will fuel that even more. As Stefan played Paul Robinson on Neighbours for over 30 years, they danced to the theme tune. In the audience, we saw Dr Karl Kennedy, who I wish they’d got instead. There were quite a few mistakes, but it was an alright little dance. They scored 22
There was an absolute chaos bit after the score where they threw Dianne a two-minute baby shower up in the Clauditorium with Neil as the stork, which is ridiculous and unnecessary, but it happened.
Ellie and Vito dancing the cha cha cha
What I like about Vito is that he has adapted the learning for Ellie, who has Down syndrome, without being patronising. It’s just a shame nobody else has taken that cue. It was a good dance, but there were a few mistakes which were mostly ignored, and the judging is very soft with no real advice for improvement.
Yes, she has a learning disability but this is still a competition, and how will she be able to learn and move forward without feedback? What I will say though, is that it was great to see the other pros making sure she was okay throughout the night. They scored 17.
And more dancing
Lewis and Katya dancing the jive
Lewis started on the Strictly judge’s table and flexed some muscles, but it’s not that hot, really. The jive was good, but of course it is, he was Billy Elliot.
He did a load of backflips, like that one hyperactive kid in school. Craig remembered he’s got 13 siblings, many of whom are boxers, so he stuck with “you’re very good”. Motsi said, “we could see every movement”, and the angle he was at on the desk, you definitely could babe. They scored 28 and are so far top of the leader board by miles.
Ross King and Jowita dancing the cha cha cha
For some reason, Jowita thought a hip hop section would make the dance “more Ross”, who is a 63-year-old white Scottish man. It went as well as you can imagine, and I’m not actually sure which part of the nan shuffling was hip-hop. Then there came the revelation that he has a girlfriend and is not, in fact, an old queen. They scored just 10, which is an extraordinarily low score considering it comes from 4 people.
George and Alexis dancing the American smooth
Alexis is American, so thinks scones are biscuits, and then they did some cringe social media bullshit cos that’s apparently his job. Its a beautiful dance tbf and one I bet the George Clarke off the house shows wouldn’t have been able to do. George said he was worried Alexis would be bored with him, which is a shame he didn’t worry about that for the rest of us. They scored 24.
Vicky and Kai dancing the cha cha cha
I will remind you all that I will be massively biased about this couple because I massively fancy Kai, and Vicky’s from the north east. Vicky called herself an ironing board with arms, but Kai’s got his chest out, so that’s all I was really looking at. This is probably the most technically cha cha cha we’ve had all night without any other gimmicks. Vicky said, “I hate standing and lying down is me favourite” and Claudia told her she’s in love with her. They scored 23.
Jimmy and Lauren dancing the quickstep
Tess said he’s dancing with three Strictly professionals, Lauren and his daughters, which is weird cos he’s got three daughters. Lauren said she’s determined to break the stereotype that footballers go out early, and we’ll see. There’s something very weird that often happens where they speed up an already quite fast song for the quickstep, but then they can’t keep up with the speed of the song. They scored 27, which is tbh far more than they deserve.
There was an incredible cyborgTess malfunction where she got caught talking to JFH’s daughters and this is word-for-word what she said:
You dad just did so well, so well! Just chatting to Jimmy’s daughters, cos their dad did so well!
Someone on Twitter summed this up best by calling it a “sad-lib”.
On the home stretch!
Balvinder and Julian dancing the samba
Balvinder called herself a Strictly superfan, and her VT is her dress rehearsal and sharing how excited she is to be in the studio. She started the dance in a massive coat and burst through some pub doors, but thankfully, that’s where the Eastenders comparison ended. The judges complimented the vibe, which is always a bad sign. I would once again like to remind everyone, 4s for week 1 isn’t a bad score. They scored 17.
There was an excellent technical difficulty, which meant Claudia had to vamp with the chaotic team upstairs, but as soon as she started, they were downstairs ready.
La Voix and Aljaz, dancing the American smooth.
La Voix explained they’re training as Chris but performing as La Voix, and it’s excellent to see the person behind the character. The dance started with La Voix on a big carousel pink pony, because they were dancing to pink pony club, y’see. She was supposed to enter on it from the ceiling, but it fucked up, hence the delay. It was as camp and fantastic a dance as you’d expect, involving glitter and Aljaz getting smashed in the face twice, comedically, of course. But it’s also technically a really good dance, too. She told Tess she’s got a bathmat that matches her dress. They scored 24.
Tom and Amy dancing the paso doble
The official Strictly toilet break is finally here, and I went for a wee during his VT. I wish I’d also gone for a wee throughout his dance, cos it was the worst thing I’ve seen in a while. Every day I marvel at how this man pulled two women at the same time. It was just a load of walking. Anton basically said that he adds nothing to the show. They scored a 16.
Amber and Nikita dancing the waltz
Amber and Nikita met for the first time on Thursday, so it’s incredible how well they’ve done. The Strictly dance was truly beautiful and a testament to how good a teacher Nikita is. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like if they’d had the same time as everyone else. Craig said she’s blessed with the neck of a flamingo, which is a weird compliment but okay. Nikita said he’s had quite the week “I was unemployed for 2 days and I cleaned my house 7 times and applied for a Tesco Clubcard”. They scored 27.
Karen and Carlos dancing the jive
This is the ex-footballer we actually care about! Carlos came into training as a sassy ref, and that’s a thing that happens. This dance was the big shock of the night because for a footballer, it was actually outstanding. Karen reminds me of Stacey Dooley, a complete novice with a deep respect for dancing and a hunger to do her best, whilst also being intensely fucking likeable. I can see her winning this, which will be annoying because I cannot stand Carlos. They scored 31.
We made it!
And finally, 700 hours later, everyone has danced on Strictly! Karen and Carlos, of course, top the leaderboard, with Lewis and Katya, Amber and Nikita, and Jimmy and Lauren close behind. Down at the bottom are Thomas and Amy, Chris and Nadiya, and in last place Ross and Jowita. But there are still many, many other dancers between them and who knows where next week will see us!
Before the show ends, it was revealed that head judge Shirley will no longer have the deciding vote. Instead, it’ll be a different judge each week. It’s not quite as dramatic as they made it, but okay.
There’s no voting this week, so the scores are carried over. It’s been an excellent first episode, and I can’t wait to see where this series goes.
Until then, (I’m so excited to say this) keep dancing!
Featured image via the Canary
