And we’re back for another week of Strictly. Whilst it’s felt like quite a slow time, I also can’t believe we’re already halfway through! But the halfway point also means the pressure is ramping up as we get closer and closer to Blackpool, so who’s gonna rise to the occasion and who’ll fall at this hurdle? Well, there’s only one way to find out.
Strictly Come Canary: the dances
Lewis and Katya dancing the cha cha cha
Lewis is feeling the pressure after scoring 40 last week, and while this week is good it’s not at that same high standard they’ve set for themselves. It’s also very weird to hear I Like It Like That without Cardi B, but also, I’m very glad the singers didn’t attempt that. I just feel like we’re constantly supposed to believe this man is sexy, but like, where? Craig calls it “try-hard”, and he’s right. They score 35, and Katya reminds him, “you can’t get tens every week”.
Karen and Carlos dancing the Charleston
This is the third time Kaz Carney has been in the death slot, which is bullshit. They dance a pretty incredible Charleston, full of energy but a little stop-starty. She’s just pure joy, though, which more than makes up for it. My fave thing about this is Angela Scanlon watching on like Carlos’s proud mam. They score 35, but they also get a 10!
Alex and Johannes dancing the paso
You can really see how difficult Alex found this one; you could see the cogs turning, and it just didn’t quite hit right. In the Clauditorium, she reveals she’s “numerically dyslexic” (also known as dyscalculic), so her biggest struggle this week was counting the beat and not relying on the lyrics. It’s not clear if production knew about this already, but if they did, it’s a pretty cruel thing to do. You can see she’s really trying not to get upset, and it’s heartbreaking. They score 30.
There’s a lot of reassuring Alex, but after her saying “I’m okay” for the third time, I’d just get annoyed. They all conga, for some reason, because Claudia has no fucks left to give.
La Voix and Aljaz dancing the foxtrot
In La Voix’s latest quest for a job, she’s up in production, standard. Out of drag in the VT Chris explains how healing this has been. He asks Aljaz why it’s his favourite dance and he replies, “cos it’s just walking backwards innit” and fair enough. It’s a lovely enough dance, but the judges wang on about footwork, at which La Voix blames Aljaz and Aljaz says he got it wrong cos the YouTube video they watched was in Japanese – god I love this pairing! Up in the Clauditorium, La Voix is “fuming” and Aljaz says he’s “dressed like a mint” They score 29.
Balvinder and Julian dancing their couple’s choice
They’re dancing a commercial bhangra Bollywood dance in honour of her family and especially her mum, who died last year. This is one of those rare fucking truly beautiful moments that Strictly is all about. Despite all the gammons whinging, the wide variety of dances and narratives it showcases authentically is what makes this show so great. Yes, I did sob my face off. It was so good, even Shirley praised it. Side note, Bal’s brother is a DILF. They score 34, their highest score so far.
George and Alexis dancing the Viennese waltz
As if one TikTok cunt wasn’t enough, he’s brought his three pals along, and honestly, I do not understand why people watch these dicks by choice. God, I really wanted this to be shit to annoy his loser fans who’ve whinged and blamed TikTok songs for his boring dancing, but unfortunately, it was quite good. They score 34.
Amber and Nikita dancing the salsa
Nikita starts us off by thrusting all over the judges’ table and nobody is complaining. Nikita learns that the Welsh (informal) name for jellyfish is psygod wibbli wobbli, and that’s incredible. There’s just a lot in this dance, and at this point, it feels like they’re showing off because she’s so good. They score 38 and it takes them a minute to realise they got two tens.
Vicky and Kai dancing the tango
When I found out this was going to be to a Taylor Swift song, I knew I would hit new heights of perving on Kai, and I was not wrong because he growls in the VT. I love a Kai tango because they’re so fucking filthy, he pretty much penetrates every single one of his partners, and that was very fucking good. They’re not even the dark horses anymore, they’re the front-runners as far as I’m concerned. There’s a fuck load of screaming, and they score 39. Vicky mounts everyone in sight, even more so when she finds out she’s top of the leaderboard.
Harry and Karen dancing the samba
Well, Harry starts this Strictly dance by making his pecs dance, which Anton later describes as being “like morse code”. THEN he gets his hips involved, and I feel so sorry for the people next door to me in the hotel for how much I screamed. We’re ignoring the annual “the singers making Conga by Gloria Estefan into Samba” because of aforementioned pecs. Unfortunately, it is very stompy but come on. They score 30.
And just like that, this week’s Strictly is over, woo it almost feels short now. Vicky and Amber are at the top with Harry, Alex and La Voix at the bottom, but a lot of 34s and 35s in between that. Before we go, we find out Motsi has the casting vote.
The results show
As you all know, it’s flag-shagger Christmas today, and of course, that extends to our lovely glittering dance show, Strictly. The pro number is their usual tribute to service men and women, which, annoyingly, always makes me cry – no matter how much I hate the concept of Remembrance Sunday. To double down on the “uggggghhh” we also get a bit of inspo porn with a Children in Need preview.
One thing I’m glad they’ve seen sense on is that we now get interviews with the couples in the final four who aren’t in the bottom two. However, it is annoying that they do five all together and then two couples by themselves. In the Clauditorium, Kaz thought the ‘Lindy Hop’ was a woman named Linda Hop, Alex’s “fighting song” is Ride on Time, Alexis is obsessed with salt and vinegar crisps, and Anton recreates Nikita and Amber’s lift with Shirley.
The bottom two are La Voix and Aljaz and Harry and Karen, and while I don’t want any of them to go, I am BEYOND MAD that it’s Harry and Karen who are leaving. The fella made his pecs dance, and none of you voted for him? You ungrateful bastards didn’t deserve his tits. I’m so mad I’m ready to cancel my TV licence and quit the column, though, I won’t, but I THOUGHT about it.
Honestly, I really, really enjoyed this week. For the first time this series, it felt like the old Strictly was back: less focused on viral moments and pleasing the young fans and more about giving us all a great show. Let’s hope it continues.
Featured image via the Canary
