Strictly fans were all just minding our business on Thursday morning when Tess and Claudia dropped the news that they were leaving the show. Usually, when someone of this calibre leaves the BBC, it’s heavily PR coordinated – this was just them, speaking to the fans, which almost feels like it was as much of a shock to the BBC as it was to us.
Strictly Come Dancing: the show must go on
Of course, the announcement left speculation about two things. The first, what brought this on? Are they jumping before they’re pushed? Are there even bigger scandals coming that they’re getting ahead of? I genuinely can’t fathom why Tess of all people would leave voluntarily when this has been her main job for 20 years. There are already reports that Claudia will have her own BBC chat show, and of course, The Traitors is a runaway success, but the same can’t be said for Robot Tess.
The next thing we’re all puzzling over is who will be their replacements, or rather, who can replace them? Tess might be a robot, but this has been her gig for a long time; she’s who everyone thinks of when they think of Strictly. Although Tess did the talking to the couples thing before the score when Brucie headed up the show, nobody could even dream of achieving the level of chaos Claudia does in her Clauditorium. One thing’s for sure, it’s a huge blow to the show, which is only just clinging on.
The good news is they haven’t quit effective immediately, so it’s on with the show.
And it’s time for another theme, it’s Icons week, and all the celebs will be performing as their fave music stars. In typical fashion, the judges have dressed accordingly. Motsi is Grace Jones, Anton is Bowie, Craig is John Lennon, and Shirley is if a lesbian half-arsed an Elvis costume from what she had lying around at home. As well as addressing the departure early, Tess and Claudia tell us Stefan and Dianne have been forced to pull out due to injury.
However, the good news is that the show finally comes in at just under two hours long! We did it! So let’s get cracking
The dances
Lewis and Katya dancing the quickstep
First up on Strictly, boring man Lewis is being Johnny Cash, and he starts his dance by telling everyone who he is. The hair is very kid Dracula, but it’s unfortunately a really nice dance. He’s much more balanced, and there’s a lot less nervous energy. He scores 34, and that actually feels fair. However, because he’s had massively overinflated scores, it feels like he’s scoring low.
Karen and Carlos dancing the rumba
Karen’s icon is Celine Dion, but she’s been fucking death slotted again. It’s a very wobbly dance, and it feels like she’s going to fall over at any minute. As is typical for an absolute banger of a ballad, they’ve absolutely hacked up the song. She tells the Clauditorium she’s a “bit gutted” and you can see that she’s in her own head. They score 28
Ellie and Vito dancing the salsa
They’re dancing to a Spice Girls medley and Ellie is Baby Spice, but disappointingly Vito is just wearing some crap tracksuit. MAKE HIM A SPICE GIRL YOU COWARDS. It’s a very fast-paced, action-packed dance, but it’s very stop-starty. Whilst she’s improving, she’s still massively lacking in technique, which is partly because of how little real feedback she’s getting. They again score at 28, which will be a running theme.
Alex and Johannes dancing the foxtrot
Their motto is ‘What Would Dolly Do’, which makes it handy that they’re dancing to Dolly Parton. She looks absolutely stunning, and it’s a really beautiful dance. They could definitely win this thing; however, the judges are holding her, who is actually improving week on week, to a much higher standard than some of the others. They score 32.
George and Alexis dancing the jive
Despite there being endless incredible Harry Styles costumes, he’s decided to wear kids’ TV presenter dungarees. TBF, they’re nice dungarees and something I would wear, but not for dancing on national TV. The opening of the dance is like the start of a Harry Styles fanfic, though thankfully that’s where the comparison ends. The dance is very chaotic and messy, and they score 27, which proves just how far you’ve got to fall when you’ve been in the high 30s since Strictly week 1.
In the Clauditorium, everyone begs Ariana Grande, who is definitely watching, to follow them on Instagram.
Vicky and Kai dancing their couple’s choice
Vicky’s couple’s choice Strictly storyline is that she’s just a working-class lass from the north east who’s made some bad choices, but she’s grown up, so I’m of course sobbing even though they’re dressed as Cheryl Cole soldiers. Also, Kai’s in a string vest. It was a bloody good dance, massive amounts of improvement. They score 33 and she mounts Claudia as well as Kai and also Karen Carney.
Balvinder and Julian dancing the quickstep
I tell you what, Bal has been done dirty by the costume lads here, she’s supposed to be Beyonce but she’s in a dowdy housewife long skirt double denim situation and a terrible wig. The judges praise her personality and vibe, which is always a great sign. She’s still a bit hesitant is the problem, but again, there’s a lot more criticism from the judges than she deserves. They score 28, again.
In the Clauditorium, La Voix asks Claudia if she knows where she can send her CV to the BBC, and I’ve suddenly decided who I would like to replace them.
Harry (Nitro) and Karen dancing the Argentine Tango
Harry says he wants to be dancing and not just carrying Karen about, and I don’t see a problem with either of those. Nitro is once again giving mafia boss in a waistcoat and a very tight shirt while the band are absolutely murdering Usher. Was he just walking about? Yes. Was it hot? Also yes. They score 30.
Amber and Nikita dancing the cha cha cha
The Wicked fans are in again because she gets screams for just pretending to be Ariana. She’s also apparently the person Amber brags about meeting, so I love this for her. This is a weird one because it looks a lot like she’s ice skating. Two different friends told me they couldn’t focus for Nikita’s trousers, and then he does some excellent thrusting in the Clauditorium and I understand. They score 33.
Jimmy and Lauren dance the American smooth
Jimmy’s memory of Prince is that he remembers 1999 being played a lot in the year 1999. So. there’s that… Anyway, it’s a gorgeous dance despite there being a couple of mistakes. However, the American smooth is usually quite a boring dance, so this is a nice change. They score 30.
La Voix and Aljaz dancing the salsa
La Voix is being Cher, which is an excellent choice – however, Aljaz should’ve been Cher too. It’s an excellent comeback and so much fun. Craig says it looked like she was recovering from a double hip replacement, which is a bit harsh. But in response, La Voix calls him old. They score 28 and celebrate like they got 40.
And like that, this episode of Strictly is over, and voting is open. Before we go we find out the judge with the casting vote is Anton. The scoreboard is ridiculously tight, but mostly because everyone was (for the most part) scored fairly. There are just seven points separating Lewis at the top and George at the bottom.
The Strictly results show
As with every other theme week, the Strictly results show is packed to the gills with an amazing pro number and special guest. The pro women pay tribute to Britney in a stunning routine, and the guest this week is Rachel Zegler. Again, like the random Cynthia drop-in, this feels like something which should’ve been for musicals week, but scheduling wouldn’t allow.
Highlights from the Clauditorium involve dancer Karen being excited to tell Harry their song but forgetting it cos it’s an awful Benson Boone song, football Karen playing drums, and Katya talks to a man who she said not five seconds ago doesn’t watch the show.
In the dance off, it’s time for some week-five shenanigans. Following a huge Twitter campaign, George is saved, but shockingly, Amber and Nikita are in the dance off; she’s joined by Jimmy and Lauren. Whilst it’s bullshit she’s in the dance off, it’s probably the most exciting thing to happen in the show this weekend. Of course, Amber is saved, and Jimmy and Lauren’s journey is over. The fact that she found herself in the dance-off despite being joint second on the leaderboard really speaks to the contempt people have for women who can already dance compared to men of the same ability.
It’s a bit meh
And there we have it, while this week felt like a bit of a damp squid, I think it’s only because the judges are actually paying attention instead of getting over excited with the 9 paddle. But with the Claudia and Robot Tess news, an already weak show because of all the changes felt even weaker this week.
Hopefully we’ll see it lift up next week, as it’s Strictly Halloween week! That’s always a bloody excellent time
Until then, keeeeep dancing!
Featured image via the Canary
