On Monday 1 September, Labour returned from the summer recess, and Keir Starmer proudly announced “Phase Two”
Phase two of my government starts today. pic.twitter.com/Ll2Wd6PnOa
— Keir Starmer (@Keir_Starmer) September 1, 2025
The implication of the video was – as you’d expect – that things can only get better.
Would you believe, then, that things have somehow gotten worse?
This was Keir Starmer launching “phase 2” of his government 10 days ago.
Since then his deputy PM has quit, he’s been forced into a major cabinet reshuffle and sacked the UK’s ambassador to Washington.
It’s all going very well … https://t.co/6ZCmai4rK2
— Kevin Schofield (@KevinASchofield) September 11, 2025
Good spirit, confidence, and conviction
This is what a smirking Starmer cheerfully announced in his Phase Two announcement:
Summer’s definitely over, and this morning we’ve got all the Number 10 staff together, and talked through what Phase Two of the government is going to look like and feel like.
We suspect Starmer demonstrated the ‘look’ of Phase Two by showing them a video of the Hindenburg disaster; we believe he communicated the ‘feel’ by making them handle gone-off tripe.
The video continued with Starmer addressing his staff, telling them:
So we’re going to Phase Two, 1st of September 2025, in good spirit – confident – and with conviction about what we’re doing.
Starmer has definitely followed through on all this. In particular, the Canary reported on Labour:
The Phase Two video continued with Starmer addressing the viewer again, as he explained that Phase Two requires:
a more powerful Number 10, so we’ve added to the team some really important new members, and made a number of other changes. But this is about focus on delivery.
Ah yes, because the problem with Phase One wasn’t that every poor decision was shaped by Starmer’s operation at Number 10, it was that said operation wasn’t powerful enough to force their dreadful ideas through.
Remember the Winter Fuel Allowance? The public hated that, but would they have hated it if every Labour member had just towed the party line?
Yes – yes they would.
Would no doubt have hated it more in fact.
The video ends with Starmer saying:
Now, marching forward to the next phase of government.
Oh, they’ve been marching alright. Some might call it a death march into obscurity, but they’re certainly trudging onwards.
Begun, Phase Two has
As promised, people have been mercilessly ridiculing the concept of Phase Two:
Hi Keir, just circling back to ensure alignment on Phase 2 action points. Critical we maintain momentum, capture low-hanging fruit, and leverage synergies across all workstreams. Let’s nail those deliverables! https://t.co/7TaW62pp0N
— Philip Proudfoot (@PhilipProudfoot) September 11, 2025
Phase 2 baby. https://t.co/pMlBH8bkWI
— Ash Sarkar (@AyoCaesar) September 12, 2025
Starmer’s Phase 2 has crashed on take off. https://t.co/0AOeUIT6el pic.twitter.com/rFosT2NY2g
— David Turver (@7Kiwi) September 11, 2025
Loving phase two so far. And we’re only 10 days in 😂 https://t.co/t0EyEDBpQY
— Matt Kennard (@kennardmatt) September 11, 2025
Was phase two meant to start by sacking your US Ambassador because – as you were warned – he was “best pals” with a prolific nonce?
Just checking. https://t.co/9SKfgq62cb
— Zarah Sultana MP (@zarahsultana) September 11, 2025
Ph-ph-ph-phases
We can only imagine what fresh joys Phase Three will bring us in Autumn 2026.
Maybe Peter Mandelson will return only to resign in disgrace a fourth time.
Maybe the UK will declare war on Iceland and then accidentally invade the supermarket.
Maybe Keir Starmer will announce a policy that isn’t immediately detested by everyone (now that really would be out there).
If we’re lucky, Starmer will read the writing on the wall before then, and ‘Phase Three’ will involve him quietly retiring from public office.
Featured image via GBNews – YouTube
